Annual

It's my birthday today! It would make me really happy if you (whoever you are, reading this) would stop doing whatever you are doing at this exact moment in time and watch the Replacements right now.

Otherwise, today I am 24, and officially am doing nothing with my life, other than drinking, smoking, going to school, listening to awesome music and writing about it. I want to get paid for this. If I did, I'd be more consistent about it.

GO CANADA GO!!!

In honour of that big fuckin' track meet that's happening in my goddamn city right now, I give you an Olympics of Heavy, wherein the winners of specific musical topics are arbitrarily chosen by me! Let's begin.

Longest Doom Metal Song:
Gold - Japan (Corrupted, "Llenandose de Gusanos," 2 Hours, 3 Minutes, 51 Seconds)
Silver - Japan (Boris, "Absolutego," 1 Hour, 5 Minutes, 35 Seconds)
Bronze - United States (Sleep, "Dopesmoker," 1 Hour, 3 Minutes, 32 Seconds)

Shortest Grindcore Song:
Gold - United Kingdom (Napalm Death, "You Suffer, But Why?" 1.2 Seconds)
Silver - United States (Brutal Truth, "Collateral Damage" 1.4 Seconds)
Bronze - United Kingdom (Napalm Death, "Your Achievement" 7.1 Seconds)

Freakiest Space Oddessey
Gold - Germany (Cluster - Cluster '71)
Silver - United Kingdom (Hawkwind - Space Ritual)
Bronze - Japan (Acid Mothers Temple - IAO Chant From The Cosmic Inferno)

Proof That We Are Not Alone
Gold - Germany (Tangerine Dream - Zeit)
Silver - United Kingdom (The Orb - Adventures Beyond The Ultraworld)
Bronze - Canada (Voivod - Killing Technology)

Best Face Paint
Gold - United States (KISS)
Silver - Denmark (Mercyful Fate/King Diamond)
Bronze - Norway (Immortal)

Freakiest Stage Tricks
Gold - Canada (Thor - Bending steel bars with teeth)
Silver - Norway (Mayhem/Dead - Huffing bird carcass fumes)
Bronze - United States (Alice Cooper - Electrocution)

Best Prog Rock Suite
Gold - United Kingdom (Pink Floyd, "Echoes")
Silver - Germany (Ash Ra Tempel, "Amboss")
Bronze - Canada (Black Mountain, "Bright Lights")

Nerdiest Concept Album
Gold - United States (C Average, "C Average")
Silver - United Kingdom (Caravan, "In The Land Of Grey And Pink")
Bronze - Germany (German Oak, "German Oak")

Best Album Title
Gold - Sweden (Refused, "The Shape Of Punk To Come")
Silver - Germany (Helloween, "Pink Bubbles Go Ape")
Bronze - United States (Nation Of Ulysses, "A 13 Point Plan For The Destruction Of America")

Most Massive Drums
Gold - Japan (The Boredoms, "Super Æ")
Silver - Brazil (Sepultura, "Roots")
Bronze - United States (The Liars, "Drum's Not Dead")

Strangest Album Packaging
Gold - United Kingdom (Cathedral, "The Garden Of Unearthly Delights," scratch n' sniff CD that smells like apples!)
Silver - United States (Tool, "10,000 Days," includes picture book and 3D glasses)
Bronze - United Kingdom (Rod Stewart, "Play It Again Rod," record jacket shaped like a glass of scotch with Stewart's head inside)